A few weeks ago on my drive to church I teared up as I reflected on how good God is. Granted, I was 37 weeks pregnant and I hadn’t slept through the night in four months, BUT these tears were the kind I get when I feel tangible presence of God hovering on me.
My mind swept back to November of 2012. My husband and I had been praying for nearly two years about whether or not God had another child for us. There had been so many difficult things for us in the past five years or so that we thought perhaps we should be done having children of our own. Yet that gnawing uncertainty kept me praying, asking over and over, “God, do you have another baby for us?” The last time I prayed that prayer, I heard Him respond with the words Isaiah 9:6.
I jumped off my couch and grabbed my Bible. Isaiah 9:6 reads, “For unto us a Child is born, to us a Son is given; and the government shall be upon His shoulder, and His name shall be called Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace.” Not only was I filled with incredible peace that God had another baby for us, but later we found out our baby was conceived that night.
Sadness
Morning sickness hit me almost immediately, but I treasured Isaiah 9:6 and 7, which goes on to describe the limitlessness of Christ’s government and peace. With each new day of sickness, the word peace would wash over my soul. God has given me a specific word for each of our children and I knew that the word and promise for this baby was peace.
Because I was so sick our daughters became very worried until we told them that I was pregnant. Then they were ecstatic. They were at our first ultrasound when I was about 10 weeks along and I swear the picture shows that tiny baby smiling. But just less than two weeks later I began spotting and then cramping and then crying as I knew in my heart that we were losing this precious child.
To see that perfectly formed body completely still on an ultrasound screen was utterly devastating. I couldn’t imagine breaking my daughters’s hearts with this news, much less my own. We were sent home to see if I could miscarry without intervention and within 48 hours the baby was gone.
In my most intense moments of pain my youngest daughter had a complete meltdown and was screaming for me. She was trying to run into our bedroom and had just hit the doorway when my husband scooped her up. I told him to go ahead and let her lie in bed with me and as soon as she snuggled up to my side she calmed down. Within five minutes she was sound asleep. I held her in my arms as I let my other child go, weeping with gratitude for what I had already been given and with grief for what I had lost.
Grief
It was in the next few days of my gut wrenching sorrow that I had a dream. In my dream I was standing beside the mountain of my grief. God came to me with a red flag in His hand and said, “Take this and write on it what you believe about Me.” With my heart breaking I thought carefully and then I wrote, “You are good,” because He is good, all the time, no matter what. And then I climbed that mountain of grief and I planted the flag at the top, declaring in my spirit that I chose to believe in the personal goodness of God despite my circumstances.
That declaration shifted something intangible but vital in my soul. It made room for the goodness of God to cover the soil of my spirit so that there was no room for despair or bitterness or defeat to take root and grow. There was still sorrow and loss, but it was the kind of wound that you know in time will knit together well and leave behind a scar of remembrance, not a gaping hole.
It was also after this declaration that God spoke to me again and shared with me how the word peace was a valid word for the child we had lost. With His arms lovingly wrapped around me, Jesus shared how Abigail went from the peace of my womb to the perfect peace of His presence and she remains there until we join her one day.
Loss
I would like to say that all was joy and victory from that day forward, but the miscarriage, upheaval at my husband’s work and with his health, followed by a major move and job change took its toll on us. However, eight months later in August of 2012 we found out we were pregnant again.
Immediately, I again had severe sickness so we shared with our girls the news of this pregnancy. They were still excited, but more unsure of the outcome this time. I remember my oldest asking me if this baby would be ok and I reassured her saying that I truly believed that everything would be alright. But just a few weeks farther down the road we lost that baby as well.
This time I felt as if the Devourer was coming for me and that Torment and Anguish were hot on his heels. So in the midst of my miscarriage I called a dear friend and intercessor who is normally very difficult to get a hold of but she called me back within 15 minutes. I wasn’t able to take the call, and I am glad I couldn’t because she left me a voicemail with her prayer that I played over and over.
She prayed that I would be free from all demonic assaults, from torment, anguish and despair, and that all the children that Jesus had for me to birth into the earth would be birthed! For the next two nights while I miscarried, I could literally feel two angels, one on each side of my bed, spreading their wings to cover me. Those were two of the best nights of sleep I have ever had and those demonic assaults never returned.
Goodness
Then just two short weeks after we lost baby Rose, I began to feel incredibly sick again. Jeremy wanted me to wait a bit longer to take a test, but as soon as I took the test the line immediately turned hot pink. We were pregnant again!
This miracle baby was been the most difficult pregnancy I have ever been through, but God’s goodness and grace have sustained me each step of the way. Part of that grace was a shift in my spirit about three months. I had finally hit a place where I truly felt like I could not make it through another day with the extreme sleep deprivation and sickness I was experiencing. I asked some dear friends for intense prayer and something broke free. My physical symptoms did not go away, but there was a new hope in my spirit and the knowledge of God’s sustaining presence that carried me day by day (and at 40 weeks pregnant, is still carrying me).
I don’t know what fires you are now walking through or are yet to come, but I do know that a loving God, a good God goes with you, just as He goes with me. Throw your sufferings, your sorrows, your disappointments, all injustices, trials, hurts and lies on His goodness, and you will find that He will carry you, too.
Today’s article is a guest post by Ann Hitchcock. I have known Ann for over a decade and she walks in a deep friendship with the Lord. I asked her to relay her story about her dream because we’re living in an hour where we need to hear from multiple sources that the Lord is calling out to us to stop and listen to Him. Ann and her husband, Jeremy, live on the West Coast with their three children.
Jeremy and Ann just had their third child, a happy, healthy baby boy.
I am a writer, author and purveyor of ink on paper. I also preach, teach and create Excel spreadsheets.